Who is the mother.. Me or mom???

Dear Mrs. G,

My mother is in her mid 70's and my father died about 8 years ago. She is happily living alone. An old acquaintance (male) she has known for years whose wife just passed away has started to make unwanted advances to Mom. He has been so bold to suggest that they could live together and get married. He is 90 years old. Though my Mother would consider marriage, she says she doesn't want the burden of taking care of a 90 year old man, as she took care of my father for years until he finally died. The problem is that this man is persistent and even thought she has told him she isn't interested, he keeps just showing up at her door at all hours of the day, and calls all day too. She doesn't want to be rude to this man, so she just endures it and complains to me. What to do??

Sincerely,
In the middle of all of this.

Dear " In the middle of all of this",

It seems to me that your mother should be taking care of this instead of burdening you, or maybe you need to back off a bit and let Mom with all her wisdom of her age, deal with it in her own way. It seems however that she thinks that being polite and enduring the visits and the phone calls, will get this Man to go away one day, but that isn't working. I have a suggestion that works for all unwanted visitors at the door as well as on the phone. Tell your Mom she is under no way obligated to open the door when he comes over and knocks or rings the bell. He doesn't really know if she's home until she opens up the door, and when she does, of course he will always come inside. Tell her to buy a peep hole that she can have installed in her door is a great, but small investment. She will be able to see who is at her door, without the visitor knowing, and if it is him, she can simply not open the door. No explanation needed. He will get the hint eventually, and stop coming.

The same thing applies for the telephone. There is a service that the telephone company offers and it is called Caller ID that will tell her who and what telephone number is calling. When he calls, she doesn't need to feel obligated to pick up the telephone. She can screen any unwanted caller and enjoy only those whom she wishes to speak with. This caller ID service is at a minimum cost maybe $6 - $7 a month and would be well worth the price to not have to speak with an unwanted caller. This applies to solicitors as well. She will have to purchase a Caller ID telephone or an adaptor that can be plugged into an existing phone that has a Call ID reader. If she has an answering machine or service attached to the telephone, she can listen to all the calls she has missed, and choose which ones she wants to reply to. It is pretty simple.

Tell your Mom that you have all the confidence in the world in her and that you know she can handle this. It is ok to say "NO" to unwanted advances, visits, or calls, but no manner of service... caller ID or peep holes will stop the advances unless she learns to say "NO". Mom needs to take control of her life and that relieves you of having to be in the middle of things.

Best wishes,
Mrs. G