My mother is an enabler for my brother who is mentally ill. She makes excuses for everything and covers up things he does mentally, or just plain bad behaviors that need to be addressed. Mom lives alone but when she talks, she uses the word "WE" meaning her and my brother. Mom ignores important issues that I bring to her attention in attempts to try to help my brother and it seems to act like she is in a fairyland where everything is kisses, love and sweetness, but in reality, things with my brothers mental illness are really needing attention. Me and my brothers and sisters tried to get mental help for our brother but my mother blocked our efforts and lied about the seriousness of what he did. She thinks love will make everything better. What can I do?

Signed, The Sane One


Dear Sane one,

It sounds like your mother has let your brothers mental illness take over her life, and she sounds like she might be on the codependant side. Sometimes when single parents have an ill child, it is easier for them to ignore what is wrong, because then they really don't have to deal with the reality of their issues. Sometimes a parent of sick children, get so absorbed into taking care of them, they just can't let go and hold on even tighter. It sounds like if your brother were placed in the care of someone other than your mother, your mother would feel alone and thus the "We" part of her existance would change. Is your brother at risk to harm himself or others? Does your brother live with his mother? Perhaps you could get the both of them to go to some family counceling and bring up the mental health issues as well as your mothers denial in front of a therapist. I can feel your frustration wanting to help your brother but not be able to because your Mother is standing in the way of any progress or help. It sounds like there maybe more than one mental health issue that you are dealing with. Once again, I suggest you try to get into counseling or therapy of some sort. Group or family therapy would be a great starting point.
Best of luck,
Mrs. G

Parenting, Dating, and Relationships.

Anonymous said...My 2 year old daughter is such a behavior problem. She is my only child so far, and we are a two parent family, but nothing either of us do seems to help our daughter not throw tantrums, hit and bite and be just plain naughty? Do you have any suggestions?
24 April 2009 11:42
Mrs. G said...
Absolutely I have some suggestions for you! Have you heard of the "Terrible twos?" They are real and this is an important time to teach the proper behaviors and be consistant about it. Disciplining a two year old is hard because they really don't quite understand, but once again with Consistantcy, they will understand the pattern that if they misbehave, and understand what they are doing that is not good behavior, there will be a consequence. Both parents need to be together on this part or your child will get mixed messages.Determine what you will do as a time out and make sure you are united or on the same page. For a 2 year old, usually a disapproving look and a harshly spoken "No" over time will change a bad behavior. Then turn and walk away. Children like to please, and won't like how this feels. Another suggestion might be a time out, however it can't be for a very long time or your 2 year old child will forget why they are in time out. Find a particular place where the child will be taken to t spend their time out, one that is remote from where the rest of you will be, like a corner of a room or stairs or such. Tell them that they will sit there for 2 minutes or until they can stop crying or be ready to join the family without bad behavior. At first the child won't stay there and you will need to be firm in your efforts to keep the child in the time out place. Each time your child is placed there, they will realize it isn't a fun place to be and eventually their bad behavior will change as they think about having to be in time out. Parents should not lose their temper but speak firmly and after the time out, talk briefly about why they were in time out, and ask if they want to be a big girl now and play nicely and be with the family.Just be consistant and make sure that an out pouring of love is given once the behavior has changed positively. Treats don't hurt to give out from time to time either, but be careful as kids will learn to manipulate you for a treat. They are really smart and growing and learning, so do your best and you will be successful!
24 April 2009

Anonymous said...
I can never seem to get to speak with Dr. Laura when I try, so I thought that I would bring my question to you. I am dating a woman who I have really fallen for. I shower her with gifts and take her to the best resturaunts and try to show her the kind of a man who she should want. I fear that she doesn't feel for me the same as I do, and I wonder if she is wowed by the "Things" than she is wowed by me. How can I know? 24 April 2009 Mrs. G said...
Dear Anonymous... Wow, what a compliment... coming to me for advice since you couldn't get into Dr. Laura's show? I love Dr. Laura too, and if I hadn't known better, I would have thought she and I must have been sisters before we were born, because we certainly think alike in many ways. I try to guess what she will answer her callers, and most of the time, with few exceptions, I am very close to figuring out what she would have said. Thank-you for your ultimate compliment and here is my advice for you......

There is one sure fire way that I can see to find out whether or not she is in the relationship because of you or what you can do and give her. STOP, I repeat STOP giving her trinkets, gifts and such, and just give her what you personally have to offer. You give YOU. The you things might be...meaningful conversation, share your opinions, read a book together, give her your time, or other acts of kindnesses. How about cooking at your place for her or taking to her place groceries and see what she can cook up, then you do the dishes. Showing her your true nature beyond your Money is a true test. If she is only out for the money and what you can buy her, then you will know it by her response.

It is better to know now than to get married and have to maintain such a lofty lifestyle with someone who is only in it for the ride and what she can get from you. If you did marry someone like this, I wonder what would happen to your marrige when hard times hit, and believe me, hard times happen to everyone at sometime in their life. Good luck and let me know how it goes!Sincerely,
Mrs. G.

24 April 2009

Learn the word, 'No!" Groceries, Meals, and Food Storage,

Anonymous said...
What a great opportunity for people to get answers to their questions and concerns. I have one for you. I have developed some talents with regard to computer graphic design. Everyone that knows me, knows of my skills. Every week, I have at least 2 - 6 individuals asking me to make a poster, project or flyer, handout, or even to teach computer classes. I have a full time job, and I give alot of service and I simply don't have the extra time to do all the things that people really should learn how to do for themselves. How can I say No, in a kind way without making people think I am a tyrant for not saying yes. Most graphic projects take anywhere from 3 - 5 hours to complete and all these extra hours, I simply cannot fit in my schedule. Please help. 23 April 2009 16:38

Mrs. G said... I too have been in your very situation and I do have advice for you. You need to be alittle gentler on yourself, and only you know what you can do and what you can't. It is ok to learn to say the words, "NO". If you do not ever extend yourself in service, then you are losing out on a great opportunity, but if you do your fair share and simply can't do it, have no qualms about saying, I am sorry, I cannot do that for you." One more thing, you don't need to offer explainations or excuses. Simply say, "No" as gracefully as possible. You can do it!
Best wishes!
Mrs. G.
23 April 2009


Anonymous said...
I seem to run out of money and groceries before the end of the month. What can I do? 23 April 2009 19:56
Mrs. G said... Do you have a monthly budget set for groceries? Do you schedule out your meals for the month and purchase what you need to have for cooking the meals? Do you go out to lunch or dinner frequently when it isn't in your monthly food budget? If you can answer no to any of these questions, the answer is to start doing this. Planning is the key to making your money and food budget last until the end of the month. There are also tons of blogs and websites that you can print coupons, get low cost recipes, find out what foods are on sale during the month and so much more. Do you have any food storage set aside? If not, set a budget to start the $5 a week plan and start getting your food storage in place. Then if you find yourself without any food money and no food, you can tap into your food storage supply to get you through until your next pay check.
Good luck,Mrs. G
23 April 2009 20:02