Who is the mother.. Me or mom???

Dear Mrs. G,

My mother is in her mid 70's and my father died about 8 years ago. She is happily living alone. An old acquaintance (male) she has known for years whose wife just passed away has started to make unwanted advances to Mom. He has been so bold to suggest that they could live together and get married. He is 90 years old. Though my Mother would consider marriage, she says she doesn't want the burden of taking care of a 90 year old man, as she took care of my father for years until he finally died. The problem is that this man is persistent and even thought she has told him she isn't interested, he keeps just showing up at her door at all hours of the day, and calls all day too. She doesn't want to be rude to this man, so she just endures it and complains to me. What to do??

Sincerely,
In the middle of all of this.

Dear " In the middle of all of this",

It seems to me that your mother should be taking care of this instead of burdening you, or maybe you need to back off a bit and let Mom with all her wisdom of her age, deal with it in her own way. It seems however that she thinks that being polite and enduring the visits and the phone calls, will get this Man to go away one day, but that isn't working. I have a suggestion that works for all unwanted visitors at the door as well as on the phone. Tell your Mom she is under no way obligated to open the door when he comes over and knocks or rings the bell. He doesn't really know if she's home until she opens up the door, and when she does, of course he will always come inside. Tell her to buy a peep hole that she can have installed in her door is a great, but small investment. She will be able to see who is at her door, without the visitor knowing, and if it is him, she can simply not open the door. No explanation needed. He will get the hint eventually, and stop coming.

The same thing applies for the telephone. There is a service that the telephone company offers and it is called Caller ID that will tell her who and what telephone number is calling. When he calls, she doesn't need to feel obligated to pick up the telephone. She can screen any unwanted caller and enjoy only those whom she wishes to speak with. This caller ID service is at a minimum cost maybe $6 - $7 a month and would be well worth the price to not have to speak with an unwanted caller. This applies to solicitors as well. She will have to purchase a Caller ID telephone or an adaptor that can be plugged into an existing phone that has a Call ID reader. If she has an answering machine or service attached to the telephone, she can listen to all the calls she has missed, and choose which ones she wants to reply to. It is pretty simple.

Tell your Mom that you have all the confidence in the world in her and that you know she can handle this. It is ok to say "NO" to unwanted advances, visits, or calls, but no manner of service... caller ID or peep holes will stop the advances unless she learns to say "NO". Mom needs to take control of her life and that relieves you of having to be in the middle of things.

Best wishes,
Mrs. G

Swine Flu, Food Storage, Emergency preparedness

Ask Mrs. G suggests that everyone do their part to protect themselves and their family against the dangerous potential of the Swine flu. I read on a blog today a post about the swine flu and the post was entitled, if you are prepared, you won't fear. This is some advice that I would like to give to all those who read this blog.
Get yourselves prepared for any kind of an emergency. Don't panic, be calm, but just get those things you will need to be prepared for in the event something happens. The swine flu seems to be the most pertinent concern, so I will direct my thoughts to preparations for the Swine flu or really any other outbreak fo the same nature. You can go to the CDC website located at http://www.cdc.gov and look up all kinds of health concerns and get information that you need to help yourselves and your family. If you go here http://www.cdc.gov/swineflu/swineflu_you it gives all the symptoms, what to do, how to protect yourself and many other great helps. Part of these helps are to have things on hand in the event you are home bound and taking care of someone with the flu.

Prepare yourself:

- Have clear fluids on hand such as water, broth, sport drinks, electrolyte
beverages for infants to keep from being dehydrated. (Gatorade can be purchased
in powder form for long term storage.
- Clean hands with soap and water and alcohol based hand rub often, especially
after coughing and sneezing in hands.
- Medications to help lessen Symptoms would be over the counter cold and flu
that don't contain aspirin. Meds that control aches and
fevers that do not contain aspirin because taking aspirin with the flu can
possibly cause Reyes syndrome.
- Loose fitting surgical mask for the sick person to wear
- Face masks or respirators to help prevent the spread of the sickness.
- Antibacterial soaps, sprays, gels, and other cleaners.
- Paper towels for drying hands.
- Thermometer
These are just a few of the suggestions that I have read about, but you should prepare yourselves with a few other things too. If you were having to be in quarantine for a period of time to prevent the spread of disease, you should have plenty of food and water on hand for your family. Starting with a 2 week supply would be a good start. Having some food storage on hand in the event of some kind of emergency need is vital. Getting yourself prepared, will bring you peace of mind in the event you need to use your preparations. It is better to be safe than to be sorry, so do what you need to do to prepare.

This is just general good advice for everyone, but if you want more specific advice, go to the above listed website and become knowledable about all that is possible with health concerns throughout the world and where you life.

My mother is an enabler for my brother who is mentally ill. She makes excuses for everything and covers up things he does mentally, or just plain bad behaviors that need to be addressed. Mom lives alone but when she talks, she uses the word "WE" meaning her and my brother. Mom ignores important issues that I bring to her attention in attempts to try to help my brother and it seems to act like she is in a fairyland where everything is kisses, love and sweetness, but in reality, things with my brothers mental illness are really needing attention. Me and my brothers and sisters tried to get mental help for our brother but my mother blocked our efforts and lied about the seriousness of what he did. She thinks love will make everything better. What can I do?

Signed, The Sane One


Dear Sane one,

It sounds like your mother has let your brothers mental illness take over her life, and she sounds like she might be on the codependant side. Sometimes when single parents have an ill child, it is easier for them to ignore what is wrong, because then they really don't have to deal with the reality of their issues. Sometimes a parent of sick children, get so absorbed into taking care of them, they just can't let go and hold on even tighter. It sounds like if your brother were placed in the care of someone other than your mother, your mother would feel alone and thus the "We" part of her existance would change. Is your brother at risk to harm himself or others? Does your brother live with his mother? Perhaps you could get the both of them to go to some family counceling and bring up the mental health issues as well as your mothers denial in front of a therapist. I can feel your frustration wanting to help your brother but not be able to because your Mother is standing in the way of any progress or help. It sounds like there maybe more than one mental health issue that you are dealing with. Once again, I suggest you try to get into counseling or therapy of some sort. Group or family therapy would be a great starting point.
Best of luck,
Mrs. G

Parenting, Dating, and Relationships.

Anonymous said...My 2 year old daughter is such a behavior problem. She is my only child so far, and we are a two parent family, but nothing either of us do seems to help our daughter not throw tantrums, hit and bite and be just plain naughty? Do you have any suggestions?
24 April 2009 11:42
Mrs. G said...
Absolutely I have some suggestions for you! Have you heard of the "Terrible twos?" They are real and this is an important time to teach the proper behaviors and be consistant about it. Disciplining a two year old is hard because they really don't quite understand, but once again with Consistantcy, they will understand the pattern that if they misbehave, and understand what they are doing that is not good behavior, there will be a consequence. Both parents need to be together on this part or your child will get mixed messages.Determine what you will do as a time out and make sure you are united or on the same page. For a 2 year old, usually a disapproving look and a harshly spoken "No" over time will change a bad behavior. Then turn and walk away. Children like to please, and won't like how this feels. Another suggestion might be a time out, however it can't be for a very long time or your 2 year old child will forget why they are in time out. Find a particular place where the child will be taken to t spend their time out, one that is remote from where the rest of you will be, like a corner of a room or stairs or such. Tell them that they will sit there for 2 minutes or until they can stop crying or be ready to join the family without bad behavior. At first the child won't stay there and you will need to be firm in your efforts to keep the child in the time out place. Each time your child is placed there, they will realize it isn't a fun place to be and eventually their bad behavior will change as they think about having to be in time out. Parents should not lose their temper but speak firmly and after the time out, talk briefly about why they were in time out, and ask if they want to be a big girl now and play nicely and be with the family.Just be consistant and make sure that an out pouring of love is given once the behavior has changed positively. Treats don't hurt to give out from time to time either, but be careful as kids will learn to manipulate you for a treat. They are really smart and growing and learning, so do your best and you will be successful!
24 April 2009

Anonymous said...
I can never seem to get to speak with Dr. Laura when I try, so I thought that I would bring my question to you. I am dating a woman who I have really fallen for. I shower her with gifts and take her to the best resturaunts and try to show her the kind of a man who she should want. I fear that she doesn't feel for me the same as I do, and I wonder if she is wowed by the "Things" than she is wowed by me. How can I know? 24 April 2009 Mrs. G said...
Dear Anonymous... Wow, what a compliment... coming to me for advice since you couldn't get into Dr. Laura's show? I love Dr. Laura too, and if I hadn't known better, I would have thought she and I must have been sisters before we were born, because we certainly think alike in many ways. I try to guess what she will answer her callers, and most of the time, with few exceptions, I am very close to figuring out what she would have said. Thank-you for your ultimate compliment and here is my advice for you......

There is one sure fire way that I can see to find out whether or not she is in the relationship because of you or what you can do and give her. STOP, I repeat STOP giving her trinkets, gifts and such, and just give her what you personally have to offer. You give YOU. The you things might be...meaningful conversation, share your opinions, read a book together, give her your time, or other acts of kindnesses. How about cooking at your place for her or taking to her place groceries and see what she can cook up, then you do the dishes. Showing her your true nature beyond your Money is a true test. If she is only out for the money and what you can buy her, then you will know it by her response.

It is better to know now than to get married and have to maintain such a lofty lifestyle with someone who is only in it for the ride and what she can get from you. If you did marry someone like this, I wonder what would happen to your marrige when hard times hit, and believe me, hard times happen to everyone at sometime in their life. Good luck and let me know how it goes!Sincerely,
Mrs. G.

24 April 2009

Learn the word, 'No!" Groceries, Meals, and Food Storage,

Anonymous said...
What a great opportunity for people to get answers to their questions and concerns. I have one for you. I have developed some talents with regard to computer graphic design. Everyone that knows me, knows of my skills. Every week, I have at least 2 - 6 individuals asking me to make a poster, project or flyer, handout, or even to teach computer classes. I have a full time job, and I give alot of service and I simply don't have the extra time to do all the things that people really should learn how to do for themselves. How can I say No, in a kind way without making people think I am a tyrant for not saying yes. Most graphic projects take anywhere from 3 - 5 hours to complete and all these extra hours, I simply cannot fit in my schedule. Please help. 23 April 2009 16:38

Mrs. G said... I too have been in your very situation and I do have advice for you. You need to be alittle gentler on yourself, and only you know what you can do and what you can't. It is ok to learn to say the words, "NO". If you do not ever extend yourself in service, then you are losing out on a great opportunity, but if you do your fair share and simply can't do it, have no qualms about saying, I am sorry, I cannot do that for you." One more thing, you don't need to offer explainations or excuses. Simply say, "No" as gracefully as possible. You can do it!
Best wishes!
Mrs. G.
23 April 2009


Anonymous said...
I seem to run out of money and groceries before the end of the month. What can I do? 23 April 2009 19:56
Mrs. G said... Do you have a monthly budget set for groceries? Do you schedule out your meals for the month and purchase what you need to have for cooking the meals? Do you go out to lunch or dinner frequently when it isn't in your monthly food budget? If you can answer no to any of these questions, the answer is to start doing this. Planning is the key to making your money and food budget last until the end of the month. There are also tons of blogs and websites that you can print coupons, get low cost recipes, find out what foods are on sale during the month and so much more. Do you have any food storage set aside? If not, set a budget to start the $5 a week plan and start getting your food storage in place. Then if you find yourself without any food money and no food, you can tap into your food storage supply to get you through until your next pay check.
Good luck,Mrs. G
23 April 2009 20:02